


For Better or Worse

by EarthCallingAlice



Series: Catching the Sunrise Series [12]
Category: X-Men (Comicverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, Bigotry & Prejudice, Bisexual Male Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Hand Jobs, Implied Relationships, M/M, Mutant Politics, Open Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protectiveness, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 03:52:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2493383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EarthCallingAlice/pseuds/EarthCallingAlice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt’s circus past comes back to haunt him, and Logan does his best to help him through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For Better or Worse

**Author's Note:**

> This refers to events in 'Nightcrawler' 2003 solo series and 'Secret Wars II.'
> 
> I do not own Nightcrawler and Wolverine. Marvel and Disney do. I just borrow them, make them miserable, and give them back so they can be made miserable by them. 
> 
> I also do not own Doc Samson or Hank McCoy, re: above.
> 
> Originally published April 22, 2011

^^^

It never failed. It seemed that same time every night Logan would wake up unbearably thirsty, and as always he’d rush to the bathroom for a glass of water, with all the faucet water he just drank, no doubt in a half hour he’ll have to pee, instead of now while he’s up. Logan very rarely had such a peaceful sleep, he hated to leave it, and the cold draft of the mansion sent chills through his body. He could not wait to get back to that warm bed, and that warm body - One warm, blue fuzzy, body to be exact. He shut off the light and quietly padded over to the bed, not wanting to wake his lover.

As he got into bed he heard a plaintiff moan coming from his companion. It sounded like his lover was having a bad dream. Those were usually his bag, though his friend certainly had enough fuel for them. Kurt's been through a lot, especially this past year. And the past couple of weeks Logan would wake up to Kurt crying out in his sleep or completely silent and just shivering. He had remembered the shivering before. Was it the Supreme Pontiff again? Or was it something else? Farther back into his past? Anyway, Logan had decided that night that he wouldn't take Kurt's insistence that things were "fine." They were going to talk tonight. They had waited long enough. The pleading soon escalated into something more physical as he seemed to be struggling with some unseen intruder. “Nein. Please…”

Logan was truly alarmed now and his instinct was to comfort his lover. “Kurt?” He lightly shook his shoulder; not wanting to be too rough, the sudden interruption might make things worse from his own experience. 

“Let me go! I won’t go in there!” Kurt was now waving his hands around wildly as if fending off something or someone. 

“Kurt.” Logan tried to shake him again but there was no response except more yelling and waving limbs.

“Nein!”

“Kurt!” There goes being gentle, he had no choice now. The older mutant now had his partner held by both shoulders and he shook more harshly this time. “Wake up, Darlin.’ It’s Logan!”

“Unhand me!” Kurt went to strike Logan but his super fast reflexes caught his wrist and he pinned him to the mattress. At this Kurt finally awoke.

“L-Logan?!?” Kurt was now breathing erratically and looking around the room wildly, his pupils visible, which was quite rare and usually only appeared when in shock or anger. “Lieb, I’m so sorry, did I h -”

Logan cut him off. “No, I’m ok. Don’t worry about me. But, that was a real doozy.”

Kurt nodded wearily. “I’m sorry if I ruined your sleep, I know how hard it is for you to get a decent nights sleep.” The blue mutant was now sitting up and half naked, white sheets tangled around his waist. 

“I said don’t worry about me. I was already up anyway gettin’ a glass o' water.” Logan shook his head and smiled sympathetically. “I’m more worried about you.”

Kurt opened his mouth as if to speak but then he closed it and looked away. “It is nothing. Just a bad dream.” 

Logan reached out to touch his face and turned it to meet his. “No it isn’t. This wasn’t just a normal nightmare.”

“Logan…” Kurt started in a dismissive tone. 

But the other man cut in, “I mean it, Elf. You gotta tell me. I’m not gonna leave this alone. You’ve been spooked for a while now.” This was true. Kurt has been upset for the past month, ever since he, Kurt and Christine, that nurse he befriended, went on that trip to Winzeldorf to discover more of his past. They had just gotten back together only weeks ago on Christmas Eve. He smiled inside briefly at that before returning his attention back to the matter at hand. 

“Really, it’s not something I like to talk about, Logan…” He looked into the older mans eyes, pleadingly.

“Kurt, there comes a time when ya gotta talk. How many nightmares did you get me to tell you about? I wanna help you like you help me. That’s all.” He said, reaching out and touching Kurt’s hand.

Perhaps he should talk to Logan about his nightmares, who knows more than Logan about being treated like an animal other than him? Besides, it would be wrong to shut him out after the many times he pleaded for Logan to discuss his. He took a deep breath. “All right.” Kurt paused a bit to gather his strength before revealing his secret, “I… dreamed I was being forced into a cage…”

Logan frowned; he was pretty sure where this was going. “Go on, Darlin.” And he sure knew how horrible cages were. 

“At Der Jackmart, the man who took over the circus from my mother – Amos Jardine… “

“Yeah, I remember you tellin’ me about that scum.” The gruff mans hand tightened into a fist. “But you escaped before they could put you in a freak show, Kurt. You beat em.’”

Kurt looked down, “Um… that’s the thing. I didn’t. I mean, not right away. Not before I was… Scheisse! Why is this so hard? It was so long ago!”

“Time doesn’t matter, Kurt. I should know. Who has more time than most. If you don’t deal with it, it can go on forever.” He stroked Kurt’s hand as it was still clasped in his own. 

Kurt nodded solemnly, “I didn’t escape. He put me in there… the cage, with a collar and chain, and I was wearing rags and eating slop out of a bowl like an animal…” Though, Margali never treated the animals badly even. They were one of the few circuses to treat their animals well. 

Logan look stunned as Kurt proceeded. “They… they drugged me. They used me like a trained monkey.”

Logan turned pale for a second, then he looked utterly enraged and his fist tightened more. “You mean that was real? I thought those were the demons tricking you. Why didn’t you tell me before?” He said sadly. “You’ve been carrying this around with ya all this time? I could’a…”

“What? Killed him? He isn’t worth it.” Kurt rubbed his eyes tiredly. 

“No. Not that I don’t think the scuzz deserves it. But I could have brought him in. I could’a called Nick and had that bastard put on trial.” 

Kurt smiled bemusedly and shook his head. “You amaze me, Logan. I don’t think anyone has ever gotten that enraged on my behalf, or cared about me so much.” 

The older mutant sighed and didn't respond right away. He wasn't used to such compliments. He wasn't known for his sentimentality. But he always had a particular protectiveness towards the X-Men and Kurt most especially. They were the closest thing he had to a family and he was willing to protect it any way he could. He shrugged and smiled self-deprecatingly. “Well you got it whether you like it or not. Besides, you would do no less for me. But I still wanna know why you didn’t tell the X-men, tell me.”

Logan studied him and that caused Kurt to flush and squirm a bit under his gaze. “Well, I didn't remember everything, only bits and pieces. I think a part of myself was convinced that it wasn't so horrible."

"But you know that isn't true. No one should be treated like that. Most of all you." Logan was trying really hard not to show his rage. At this point he was practically seeing red already. But the last thing Kurt needed was Logan going off half cocked. 

Kurt nodded "Also, I was… ashamed.” Kurt swallowed and looked down. “I admired you so much, even then in those early days when we would talk at Harry’s. That time you challenged me to walk down the street as myself… I wanted you to respect me. You seemed so impressed when I told you I left the Circus of my own will.” 

Again Logan pulled at Kurt’s chin to look into his earnest blue eyes. “You got it. I respect you, Elf, probably more than anyone. Even after knowing this. You must be the strongest person I know, to have been through so many traumas and still be a good person and to still be able to laugh. And make me laugh.” 

It was Kurt's turn to be self-depreciating. He shrugged. “I suppose... or maybe I'm just a coward.” 

"No. That's not it, because you are facing it now. You get up every day and face it even if you don't always talk about it."

"I guess..." 

"Besides, you don't think I'm weak do you? When I couldn't fend off those jerks in Weapon X?"

Kurt smiled crookedly. "Nein. Of course not." 

"I was breed to be the best, the strongest and the fastest and I learned that in the end that isn't always enough and when you think you are tougher than anything something can come along and rip the rug out from under you. It's how you deal with it that counts."

Logan saw Kurt looking away again, he was trying to hide from him. He thought perhaps Kurt had even more pride than he did. "I'm having a hard time believing that about myself yet but maybe I will in time." 

Logan stroked Kurt's arm and Kurt looked up. “I'll make sure you do. C’mere.” The older mutant crooked his finger. 

Kurt did reluctantly. He still felt unworthy and didn't want to be touched. He didn't like feeling so out of control with his emotions. Logan held Kurt and stroked his back. Feeling Logan stroke his flesh soothed him."Mmmm." 

Logan pulled Kurt further into his arms and they laid back onto the bed. "I'll hold you until you fall asleep."

"I'd like that, Lieb." He sighed, tiredly.

^^^

The following night was only a little better as Kurt woke up in a cold sweat, panting heavily, it may have been imperceptible to normal humans or other mutants but it was loud to Logan's keen senses. "Elf...?" Logan yawned.

"The n-nightmare again, go back to sleep, Logan."

He looked over at Kurt, curled up into a fetal position and shivering. He slowly reached out to touch Kurt's back and it startled the mutant and he began to shiver more. Logan uttered a soft apology. Kurt looked behind him at Logan apologetically and grabbed the hand that Logan had laid on his shoulder. Logan heard Kurt trying to keep a gulp at bay before he finally swallowed then whimpered. Logan didn't say anything, no words, he just kept stroking Kurt's back just like Kurt would do in similar instances for him. Sometimes you didn't need words and just needed to know you weren't alone. Logan continued the soothing motions until Kurt finally fell asleep.

^^^

The next night Logan woke up to hear Kurt tinkering in the bathroom. Logan looked blearily over at the clock. It was a little past 2am. "Kurt?"

There was no answer so Logan decided to investigate. He knocked on the door lightly as to not startle him. "Elf?" Still no answer. He gently turned the knob and opened the door. When he got inside Kurt was nowhere to be seen but the shower was going. Logan had a pretty good idea he knew what was going on. Kurt had just showered before bed and he only usually got up to shower again in the summer when he fur was feeling sticky and the air conditioner was on the fritz. But it was winter and below zero out now. Logan then heard Kurt's lightly accented voice begin to sing.

_When the course is laid and the anchor's weighed_  
A sailor's blood begins racing  
With our hearts unbound and our flag unfurled  
We're under way and off to see the world  
U-under way and off to see... to see the world 

Kurt was singing one of his favorite pirate songs, if only half-heartedly, the forced joy in Kurt's voice haunted him and almost broke his heart. He was used to hearing that song sung with such spirit. Kurt continued singing.

_Hey ho we'll go_  
Anywhere the wind is blowing  
Manly men are we  
Sailing for adventure on the deep blue sea 

_Danger walks the deck we say what the heck  
We laugh at the perils we're facing..._

_W-we laugh... at the perils we're facing._

Logan then heard a soft cry that sounded like the impact of a body. He rushed to the shower and opened the curtain swiftly and shut off the shower. He looked over to find Kurt hunched up on the shower floor. His hand was placed on the shower wall and his legs were tucked under him. He was shaking much like he did last night. He didn't even try to get up. He was slightly concerned that he didn't seem to notice Logan. 

"Kurt!" The young mans head shot up in surprise. "Logan... you shut the shower off."

"Cripes, Kurt! You almost scared the life outta me. Or you ok?"

"I - " Kurt moved. "Nothing appears to be broken... or sprained. But my knees... hurt."

"Here, let me help you up."

"No. I can do it." Kurt shook his head. "I messed up. I'll take care of it."

"No. You still seem unsteady. You're lucky you didn't break anything. I'm coming in there and I'm not taking no for an answer."

Kurt didn't object but he looked irritated. "Alright... I don't wish to argue."

Logan hefted Kurt to his feet slowly and Kurt made a little hiss of pain. "Well... what do you think you were doing?"

"I was just showering. Can't a grown man do that? Don't act like an old mutter."

Logan just huffed. "Alright, you're obviously in a bad mood so I'm just gonna ignore that. C'mon, let me towel you off, then we can go see Hank."

"No." Kurt said firmly.

"Kurt..."

"I said **no**. Nothing is broken. It's just some bruised knees, Logan. I've survived much worse."

"Fine then, don't. But if there is even a sign that anything isn't "fine" I'll carry you down to the medical bay if I have to." Logan said this boldly while he toweled off his companion. Then Logan handed Kurt his underwear. Kurt put them on slowly, lifelessly. 

"Logan I..." Kurt was staring at his feet solemnly. Logan was happy to see that Kurt's shaking had died down at least. 

"What?" 

"I'm sorry." Kurt looked into Logan's eyes. They were full of pain and fear, but also gratefulness. 

"S'alright." Logan said almost in a whisper. "Now lets get you back to bed."

Kurt nodded and he got up with Logan's help and he hissed in pain again. "Verdammt..." Kurt swore under his breath. Logan winced in sympathy. 

"You're gonna be ok, Kurt." 

Will I? Kurt wanted to say, because it feels like he'd been like this forever. Logan set Kurt on the bed and covered him up. Then Logan also got in bed and under the covers.

Without saying anything Logan lifted his arm and looked at Kurt. Kurt smiled contritely before snuggling up to his chest. You make me feel so safe, Kurt thought but didn't say. "Thank you." Kurt whispered in Logan's chest. 

"There's nothing to thank me for... Just try to get some sleep, Darlin."

"...I'll try." 

It was at least a half an hour before Logan heard Kurt's breathing even out and turn into a light snore signaling he had finally fallen asleep. Logan, however, was still lost in thought. He would make some calls tomorrow. Kurt had to see someone. Perhaps Doctor Samson could free up some time in his schedule to see Kurt. Logan thought back to the time that the X-Men faced the mysterious cosmic entity, The Beyonder and how it effected him and challenged his faith in god and himself as a man - and their relationship. It had caused Kurt to drift away from him. Logan was afraid. He didn't want to lose him again.

^^^

The next night Kurt's mood took on a more different turn, they hadn't done much of anything sexual in almost a week but Kurt decided to change that. Logan was lying on their bed and reading a car magazine when Kurt came through the door with a mission in his eyes. He walked over to the bed and took the magazine out of Logan's hands and tossed it aside. Kurt began to kiss Logan hungrily. "Mmmph."

Kurt reached for Logan's boxers and tugged on them but Logan halted his hands. "Wait, Darlin."

"What?" Kurt looked stunned at Logan's rejection and a little hurt. 

Logan raised in eyebrow and asked. "Are you ok?"

"Ja. Why wouldn't I be?" Kurt said in confusion. 

"This just seems a bit sudden, considering..." 

"I'm fine, Logan. More than fine. I want **you**." Kurt hissed seductively in his ear. 

"I don't know. Maybe you should get some rest."

“Why should we sleep when the night is still young?” Kurt took Logan’s hand and put it on his rear. “That’s better.” 

“Elf…” Logan was truly concerned, Kurt had a habit of using dramatics as a way to gloss over things that were painful, he admitted he too used sex as a coping mechanism, how many times did he come home after an ugly day to find comfort between his lovers legs? But this wasn't some baddy like the Beyonder or the Pontiff, this was more deep-seeded... more personal. And Kurt had been acting differently than with these other experiences. It didn't seem right this time.

Kurt hushed him with a kiss and smiled impishly. Logan just watched him, conflicted. Kurt licked his bottom lip as he grabbed Logan’s now hard penis. Logan shuddered but continued to look at him skeptically. Kurt continued to look into Logan's eyes, fierce, commanding and full of lust. Well, who was he to decide when it was right for Kurt anyway? If Kurt wanted this then he would give it to him.

"I could never say no to you.” The Canadian took a deep breath as he swiped his eyes over his companion’s body before reaching over to the nightstand to retrieve the lube. 

“Wunderbar.” Kurt purred.

This wasn’t over though and won’t be swept aside, for now he will let Kurt take what he wanted and be in control. As he fumbled through the drawer he felt Kurt against his back with his arms around his waste. The blue man was now nipping his shoulders lightly. 

“Hurry, Lieb. I want you.” He sighed, rubbing thick fingers over Logan’s chest and abs. 

Logan shivered at the need in his young lovers voice, that low German burr got him every time. “I want you too, real bad. Finally.” The wolfish mutant found what they were looking for. 

“Gut, I’m a very impatient man.” He punctuated with a final kiss to his shoulder. Then in the dirtiest tone imaginable right in his ear, Kurt uttered. "I want your cock." With a nip to the ear for good measure. 

Now that was his trigger, there was no way he could resist Kurt now with those words. Logan turned around and kissed Kurt hard on the lips as he handed him the lube. 

Kurt pressed on Logan’s chest gently. “Lie down. On your back.”

Logan looked lost for a moment then nodded before lying down on the bed. Perhaps he changed his mind and Kurt will be entering him? Not that he’s complaining. He’ll take Kurt any way now. Then he saw Kurt begin to prepare himself. Ah, he is going to catch on top. Lovely. At this realization Logan crossed his arms behind his head and sighed happily. They haven’t done this position in far too long. 

Kurt squatted over Logan as he placed his coated finger inside his hole, pushing it in and out, causing him to gasp and squirm in anticipation. As he looked down on Logan a smug grin spread on his lips as he saw how hard and needy his partner had become. 

“I think I’m ready now. Are you ready, Mein Lieb?”

“Yes. O’ course I’m ready, Elf.” The older man wiggled his hips impatiently.

“Do you want me, Logan?”

“Yes I –“

“Then beg me. Say my name. Mean it.”

“I want you. I want you, Kurt. Please.” He pushed his hips upward at this. “Ungh!” 

“That’s it.” Kurt bit his lip as he pushed down on Logan’s cock.

Logan groaned as he felt his lovers’ tightness grip his penis. He almost came from the sight of Kurt settling down on him alone. 

The elfin mutant tossed his head back and gasped, screwing his eyes shut tight as these feelings and sensations took over his body. He felt so wild, so primal in this position. He moaned as his ass settled on Logan’s thighs, cock sheathed completely within. 

“Damn, I might come too soon.” Logan moaned. 

Kurt’s head fell forward as he tried to relax and get his bearings. The feeling of his mate filling and stretching him was almost more than he could bear. He then dared to look at his rugged partner and he smiled inside at the desire and carnal neediness in his expression. The impish young man then took a breath before lifting himself up and settling himself back down again.

“You’re so tight.” Logan pushed his hips up as Kurt pushed his body down. 

“And you… so hard, Logan, so very hard. Unh!” Kurt cried out as he finally felt that spot struck deep inside his body. He was being rubbed inside and that friction was making him come apart. And he welcomed it.

Logan panted and groaned in response, apparently he felt the same,“ I love yer dirty mouth, Elf.”

Kurt chuckled at this and then gasped at another well-placed hit to his prostate gland. “I – I aim to please. I’m d-dirty for you.” 

The feral mutant was suddenly very thoughtful. “I don’t think anything could really dirty you, Kurt.” 

Kurt looked down at Logan and his sincere smile and words and swallowed, he felt Logan was looking right into his soul. He reached his hand down to hold his face. Then he bent down for a kiss. He entered his lover’s mouth and explored it with reverence. “You are beautiful, Logan. In every way.”

Logan returned the kiss with equal passion and emotion. “I’ll take you’re word for it, Darlin.’”

Kurt broke away and pulled up again, moaning helplessly. At this Logan smiled, he was determined to make him moan louder, he grabbed his waist and pulled him back down again, impaling him. The young mutant tossed his head back, crying out, partially in surprise and partially in lust at Logan’s sudden taking of control. Kurt clutched Logan’s hands with his own while they were settled on his waist. Logan then pushed his young lover back up and then pulled him back down. 

“Oh, yeah...” Logan panted as he repeated these actions several times causing Kurt to cry out uncontrollably.

Kurt was now being impaled repeatedly on Logan’s penis, body bobbing up and down, he felt dominated in his older companions vice-like grip. His own cock was hard and swollen against his belly and he began to stroke it as he felt his partner’s length begin to pulsate inside him. 

Logan was close, he knew. His groans were turning into snarls and growls; the beast inside was taking hold and was about to be unleashed. He was sure his digging fingers would leave marks in the young mans skin. “C’mon, Babe. I wanna hear my name when you come.” 

Kurt continued to rub his own cock and now had his tail wrapped tightly around Logan’s calve as his only source of control, not that he really wanted it, he wanted his lover to take him, and take him he did. The combined sensations were building up and reached its peak causing him to shout one final time and release himself on his companion’s chest. He came hard with his lovers name on his lips as he commanded. “Logan - Ah!” 

“Oh God… Kurt!” Logan groaned as he too came hard, thick and fast as he released his fierce desire inside his lover. 

Kurt’s breaths were coming out in harsh gasps as he fell to Logan’s chest, head buried in his shoulder. “Oh… Logan. Oh Mein Gott, Logan.”

Logan felt Kurt clutching tight to his shoulder. The other man too was trying to catch his breath as best he could. He pulled that hand away and held it as he reached for Kurt’s face with the other hand and kissed him deeply. Kurt smiled down in Logan’s face, mere centimeters apart. He felt him brush damp curls away from his forehead and he stroked Logan’s mane in return. At this Logan moved over on the bed to make room, Kurt snuggled into Logan’s chest and sighed as he felt those strong, steady arms wrap around him. “I like it here. I feel safe.” Kurt wasn't afraid to say it this time. 

“You are safe. When I’m around. That's a promise.” 

“Ja. I know.” Kurt suddenly became very silent. Logan sensed things became serious. The air between them became thick. But before he could nudge his partner the German began to speak quietly. “I… remember some of it. Even though I was drugged, I remember. I started remembering since we came back from Winzledorf. I used to have memories of being drugged and caged but it would usually turn black after… nothing else.”

Logan swallowed slightly in pain for his friend and sighed. “I’m sorry.” 

“I know.”

“Hey, listen to me. I want you to talk to someone. Someone who may be able to help.” 

Kurt froze. “I am not talking to Emma. She means well, but…”

“That’s not who I meant. I meant Leonard Samson. He has some time free in his schedule.”

"You... called him?" Kurt looked at him in anger. 

Logan braced himself for what was likely to be a verbal reprimand but it didn't come as Kurt's face softened and he deflated. “Ah, Leonard Samson - Counselor of the Superheroes. Of course.” Kurt chuckled darkly. 

“I’m serious. I want you to.”

“I don’t know, Logan.” Kurt was afraid, it was one thing to occasionally speak of this with his friend, but to talk to a stranger and regularly, made it a bit intimidating. 

“Please. Just think about it.”

“I will, Lieb…” The blue man shifted slightly before continuing. “How did you get through it? With what happened to you, I mean?”

“Years of denial at first, but Mac and Heather helped… And you.” Logan smiled as he stroked his back, “As I said before, I got **you**.” 

“And I have **you**.” Kurt replied before falling into the realm of dreams. Happier dreams this time, of him and his love.

^^^


End file.
